From my experience as a lawyer accumulated over more than 20 years, I have observed that most couples without children prefer to end their marriage rather than address the behavior that led to the dysfunction of the relationship.
Why?
Because at the time of making the decision, it seemed like the simplest and most natural option. Because ending the relationship is not as time-consuming, effortful, or requiring openness and communication as identifying the behavior responsible for the degradation of the relationship. After all, most people think it’s easier to resort to a notarial procedure: sign once, wait 30 days, sign again, and you’re free.
Do you think the same way?
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Yes, I agree that a great deal of self-control and emotional maturity is needed to identify, without blaming the other, what is toxic in the relationship, because when it comes to taking responsibility, partners are often more inclined to accuse rather than acknowledge their own demons.
This is also why, whenever either partner is tempted to find a new person to start a new relationship, thinking that they’ve solved all their problems, they may be wrong.
It could be, but things are not that simple. Starting a new relationship doesn’t resolve the issues of the previous one. Because that behavior is still there. Because that behavior didn’t belong exclusively to one partner but was equally shared by both. And even though you may think that, in the absence of the triggering factor, it won’t manifest again, statistics show that this is a mistaken belief.
Not to mention the fact that one partner may not want to go through the notarial procedure for the dissolution of the marriage, in which case, an attorney will obviously be needed. And from experience, I can tell you that choosing the judicial procedure is more than traumatic. And that’s leaving aside the costs and the time wasted in obtaining the so-called freedom.
So, what should be done?
I could go into detail about the applicable legal texts, give a lecture on the admissible grounds in court, and the way to present the case in order to obtain a favorable solution. However, that would be equivalent to using technical legal jargon, which would likely be understood only by those well-versed in the matter.
So, I propose a different approach, one that can yield faster results, with lower costs and incomparably greater benefits. Sounds tempting, doesn’t it?
Well, the first step would be for the partners to realize that, instead of seeking a new person outside, it might be wiser to look within themselves. To show a willingness for personal reconstruction. Perhaps even reinvention.
And to get there, it would be ideal for the partners to first find a way to dissipate the tension in the room before starting any discussion, because no conversation, no matter how well-intentioned it may seem at first, will avoid turning into another dispute. How to dissipate the tension? It depends on the case, but most often, openness to an honest conversation is enough.
Okay, what should be done next once the partners manage to sit down at the same table?
Well… they should talk. They should talk to each other. Honestly. Without beating around the bush. Without sugarcoating the truth. Brutally honest. Maybe even painfully honest. With the certainty that what either of them says could hurt the other more than they already feel. And, slowly, they can begin to understand each other. Like they haven’t in the past. They should begin to realize. They should start believing in change and then begin the process of change.
I know. It might hurt. But remember: most of the time, it’s better to let go of what’s killing you, even if it feels like it’s killing you to let go.
To summarize, I will say this: maybe you’ve heard from others how they managed when they consulted a lawyer and perhaps weren’t satisfied with the result. I guarantee that, in a situation where we have this conversation face-to-face, I will try to solve your problem without influencing you to make a decision that I consider to be unnecessary for you. And I will explain step by step what each decision means so that you can choose the best solution for you. Because, after all, you are the one who feels. And, no matter what others may think, what you feel cannot be wrong.
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